Only slightly more than half of the voting-age population actually does vote for president. But everybody eats, and most of us even enjoy it.
If we could pick the next leader of the free world with our food choices instead of our logical brain choices, voting would be a lot easier.
Surely that’s the line of reasoning that led 7-Eleven to launch the Presidential Coffee Cup Poll, where customers can show America their patriotic decision with colored disposable paper cups. (There’s even a purple caffeine-holder for shy or third-party voters.)
7-Eleven calls it “the best-tasting poll around,” but Denver-based LaMar’s Donuts might disagree. In 2012, the regional doughnut chain sold and tracked sales of donkey-shaped blue “Dough-Bamas” and red elephant “Mitt Yum-neys” to predict the winner. Romney narrowly won the donut battle, but obviously not the White House.
We thought about what menu options at other national chains made the most sense for Clinton and Trump (and sometimes Johnson or Stein) voters…
Hillary Clinton is a long-time politician, which means she’s the classic version of a complete package. Clinton is basically a burrito: stuffed with a lot of filler (your choice!) that will leave you full of crap later.
On the other hand, Donald Trump is a huge taco supporter, even if he isn’t so fond of where Mexican food originated from. Of course it makes sense that if you’re a Trump supporter, you’d order tacos. They’re rarely consistent and messy (have you ever actually had one where the filling was actually in the tacos?) but they’re gaining ground among burrito haters.
Gary Johnson is like sofritas: They seem exotic and there’s a lot of hype, but you aren’t sure it’s worth the risk. Jill Stein is the equivalent of chicken quesadillas. She’s not actually on the menu and the mystery is enticing, but you’d ultimately rather stick with something that has a visible price.
The Cheesecake Factory
Election season and The Cheesecake Factory have a lot in common: You know too much is bad for you, but you just can’t walk away from it.
When you want something you can’t get anywhere else, a meal that breaks all the rules, you (and other Trump supporters) should get the Louisiana Chicken Pasta. Not for its fried chicken or spicy sauce, but because it has the highest calorie intake on the menu. Just yuge. Trump, also unlike anything else on the menu, might ultimately fill you with regret — but at least you both gave it your best shot.
Clinton is like the Fried Macaroni and Cheese appetizer. It seems sensible and delicious at first, but by the end of it you’re looking around to see if anyone else made the same questionable decision.
Buy One Take One meals are back, just like Hillary Clinton is. Both come around every so often, but only because everyone wants them to. Clinton lovers will opt for BOTO to have meals (and Clinton) long after they leave the OG.
But the quiet star — endless soup, salad and breadsticks — is for you, Trumpers. You keep it simple, and you keep stuffing it in, long after you’re full, leaving you queasy and sick but otherwise satisfied you got your money’s worth this time.
America may run on Dunkin’, but true patriots can show their favoritism with their java choices wherever they go.
Your new favorite, Cold Brew, is perfect for Jill Stein supporters. You’ll drink it for a week or two, but it won’t last forever, and just like Stein, will be forgotten after Election Day.
Gary Johnson lovers will want that Flat White: it’s like every other espresso and milk drink, so there’s really nothing to make you stand out or offend people.
Clintonites, rejoice! All you need is that classic brewed coffee. It doesn’t require any thought and leaves everything up to the professionals behind the counter — just like HRC herself. But, just like Hills, you may get that bitter aftertaste everyone tells you about.
For Trump fans, you’ll love the Strawberries and Crème Frappuccino, because it’s different and like nothing you’ve ever tasted before. When it’s all said and done, though, this frappe, like Trump, is in a place it doesn’t belong.