Valentine's day contest

Valentine’s Day Is For Suckers

I’ve been happily married for 16 years. My wife and I almost never fight, except when I do something incredibly stupid and don’t feel like admitting it for the rest of the day.

When people learn we’ve never celebrated Valentine’s Day, even when we were dating for more than a year, they naturally assume we’re trapped in a loveless marriage. But my wife and I celebrate our love after Valentine’s Day, and for a practical reason: Why pay more for flowers and dinners and gifts just because the media-industrial complex says February 14 is the day to publicly prove our romance?

It’s for just this reason I was at first horrified and then pleased when my bosses announced that would host a Valentine’s Day readers’ contest — but the title would be Valentine’s Day Horror Story Contest.

I’m not a big contest guy, but I wholeheartedly endorse this one, which will bestow upon you a $100 gift certificate for your tale of a “hilarious first or blind date, a dramatic break-up, or just an overall fail.”

Among my favorites so far:


“I met a guy in a bar, danced with him and gave him my number. He called the next day and asked if I wanted to go to the movies. I was surprised when he didn’t show, he seemed friendly enough. About two hours after show time, he called and said he was running late because he was donating plasma to pay for the movie.”


“My mom had set me up on a date. He was a cousin of a guy I knew. For Valentine’s Day, he said we would go out to dinner. Well, it started off with him bringing me plastic roses off of a cream cake — that still had the cream on it. We ended up going to a diner, he was so nervous he kept spilling food and repeating himself. It was a nightmare! Needless to say I asked mom not to set me up again.”


“My mom rents a historic house that’s been rumored to be haunted — a fire back in the 1800s killed a little girl, a big scruffy black dog, and an old woman in a white night gown. Valentines weekend 2013: My sister, her husband, and my boyfriend and I went to visit my mother. My sister and I decided to impress our guys by inviting them to the haunted house for a night of wine, ghost stories in a candle-lit antique filled room, and hide and seek in the tunnel-like, mannequin-filled basement.

“After some good stories and drinks, my boyfriend got down on his knee and proposed with the most gorgeous ring! I of course said yes, and we headed down to the creepy basement for some hide and seek. I was hiding behind a cloth like stuffed mannequin with no head when I heard someone coming my way, and decided to jump out and give whoever it was a good scare.

“It was my boyfriend, and he was so startled he punched me right in the face! I began to cry as I spit out a lower front tooth into the palm of my hand. We headed to the emergency room as my lips swelled up bigger and bigger. The next morning I had to get a root canal and a bridge, but I will never forget that fateful night last year, as it serve us as a reminder of our hilarious proposal!”

Conclusion: Dating can be disgusting, and love can literally hurt. Enter our contest now. You only have a few days left to profit from your heartache. Or toothache.

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