Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. —Oscar Wilde
It’s the time of year where every retailer puts out a list of top gift ideas. “Top” usually means dumb, and Stupid.com is the first to admit it.
The gag gift site has published an annual list of the stupidest holiday gifts for nearly a decade, and promises this year’s is “the most comprehensive list of all things stupid since last year’s.” Yep.
Here’s what they recommend wasting money on in 2014 — and we included the prices that they stupidly left off…
1. Santa Morphsuit
Stupid.com says: “Show off that hot Santa body with this form-fitting spandex morphsuit made to look like Santa.”
Best Amazon review: “didn’t fit well and hate the butt-vertising … purchasing this for someone who is 6″8 … If I end up using this for the purpose intended the MORPHSUIT.COM pasted across the rear will be covered up somehow…how? I don’t know. yeah, it ruins it.”
Stupid.com says: “The Fartzooka blasts farts just as well as the gassiest human. Plus, the Fartzooka never gets tired, so it can blast farts 24/7.”
Best Amazon review: “Really funny. Both my son and I love it. Really accurate sounding with the ability to alter the noise. A plus is no fart smells.”
3. The Bacon Towel
Stupid.com says: “Ever wanted a 6-foot long strip of juicy bacon? This towel is great for anyone who has wanted to wrap himself (and everybody else) in mouth-watering, crispy bacon.”
Best Amazon review: Amazingly, nobody has described what it feels like when pork-patterned cotton touches your bare skin. Does it sizzle?
4. The Stupid Alert Button
Stupid.com says: “What if an alarm went off anytime someone did something stupid? This dream is a reality with this button, which declares 6 different phrases, like ‘Stoooopid,’ when pressed.”
Best Amazon review: None. Somebody ought to make a button for that.
5. Mitten Flasks
Stupid.com says: “Make the holidays taste a little sweeter with these mittens. Hidden under a thumb flap is a spigot, which connects to a pouch, perfect for holding any liquid.”
Best Amazon review: None, but on Amazon this is sold by Sur La Table — more like sous la table.
6. Sneaker Socks
Stupid.com says: “These revolutionary socks have high top sneakers printed right on them. Available in blue and red, these socks will make shoes a thing of the past!”
Best Amazon review: “Theses socks are great conversation piece, if you go to a party and have to take your shoes off! You will definitely get a conversation started!!! I had people saying hey those are cute and even won a best sock contest! Buy these socks”
7. Face Basketball Glasses
Stupid.com says: “Attached to these glasses are a hoop and a basketball. Simply put them on and try to make the basket by moving one’s face all over the place.”
Best Amazon review: There are none. And that’s probably for the best.
8. Hillary Clinton Nutcracker
Stupid.com says: “This figurine has thighs of steels, perfect for cracking the toughest nuts. First Lady of the United States, Secretary of State, and now an official nutcracker, Hillary has done it all.”
Best Amazon review: “Got this for both a democrat and a hard-line republican and they both loved the Hillary Nutcracker. Quite a few people asked where I got it and went ahead and ordered it for others. This suggested she’s a uniter, at least where cracking nuts are concerned.”
9. Zombie Santa Ugly Christmas Sweater
Stupid.com says: “Whether it’s for someone naughty or nice, this snazzy sweater brings the laughs. With Zombie Santa in front, this sweater is sure to spread holiday cheers and jeers.”
Best Amazon review: None — there are probably too many ironic ugly sweater designs out there for anyone to buy this one.
10. Toilet Bowl Lip Gloss
Stupid.com says: “Lip gloss in a sparkly toilet bowl? Who would have known that girls would love the Toilet Bowl Lip Gloss keychain, available in four scents?”
Best Amazon review: None, but it sounds like a great thing to have in your pocket when somebody says, “Kiss my ass.”