Americans collectively owe more than $1 trillion on student loans — a number that makes about as much sense as Santa Claus sneaking presents to every home in one night.
So what if we put those mind-boggling things together: What if the North Pole owned all that debt? Here’s our idea of what the elves could be cramming into Santa’s sleigh this year for every single American, based on the CIA’s breakdown of age and gender in the U.S. population…
Of course, Santa’s smarter than us and wouldn’t have to use any vaguely sexist stereotypes or age ranges to keep the math straight — but you get the idea. Here’s more detail about the stuff in the graphic above…
For ages 0-14:
How many: 30.2 million pianos
How much: $7.5 billion
Playing piano at a young age makes you smarter, research shows. Hopefully this $250 mahogany “exquisite miniature replica” provides enough of an IQ boost to keep these girls away from student loans altogether.
Boys: Ludwig Junior Drum Set
How many: 31.5 million drum sets
How much: $9.4 billion
This $300 junior drum kit isn’t a toy — it’s great for aspiring rock stars. Includes “tunable heads, cymbal and hi-hat stands, plus a junior throne.”
Girls: iPad Air 2
How many: 21.3 million iPads
How much: $17 billion
Just in time for Christmas, the brand new iPad is the thinnest ever — 6.1 mm thick and weighing less than a pound — and at $800, costs less than a MacBook. Perfect for students who already have heavy books to lug around.
How many: 22.4 million pairs of headphones
How much: $56 billion
Buy every guy between the ages of 15 and 24 a pair of gold-plated Beats by Dre headphones. (Technically only 50 pairs were made, but we’re sure magic elves can make them for the same or less.) at $2,500 apiece. Sorry, even Santa can’t swing that many pairs of the $1 million diamond-studded headphones worn by LMFAO and Lil Wayne.
Ladies: Tiffany’s diamond earrings
How many: 63.6 million pairs of earrings
How much: $76.3 billion
Diamonds are forever — just like student loan debt, but more desirable. These $1,200 earrings each feature a single diamond in a platinum setting.
Guys: Phantom 2 Vision drone
How many: 63 million drones
How much: $81.9 billion
Stay ahead of the trends with what The Verge called “The Drone You Should Buy Right Now.” The $1,300 Phantom 2 Vision can capture HD photos and videos, and when you sync it with you smartphone, you can see the live video streamed right onto your phone screen.
Ladies: Prada Saffiano Vernice tote
How many: 20.7 million purses
How much: $38.2 billion
A classic bag for a classy lady. The Prada Saffianno Vernice tote comes in five colors — from argilla-grey to peonia-pink — costing $1,850 apiece.
How many: 19.3 million watches
How much: $42.4 billion
This Swiss-made watch has a 46-mm-diameter case and an alarm. The $2,200 timepiece is gold, making it perfect for guys going into their golden years.
Ages 65 and older
Ladies: Chanel No. 5 perfume
How many: 25.8 million bottles
How much: $5.4 billion
A classic fragrance for women of all ages, the 6.8-ounce bottle of Chanel No. 5 is $210 per bottle. That’s over $30 per ounce, but it’s “the ultimate in femininity.”
Guys: 2014 Cadillac ATS
Complex magazine listed the Cadillac ATS, with a base price of $33,065, on their list of the most luxurious new cars under $35,000 because it’s “a true rival for the competition from Germany in every way.”
How many: 20.3 million cars
How much: $670 billion
Totaling all the gifts on his grand list, Santa would spend a total of $1.004 trillion buying presents for every man, woman, and child in the United States. That’s roughly equal to all of the student loan debt in America.
But right now, Central Appalachia coal is going for $56 per ton, so Santa would probably save himself quite a bit dishing out ancient mineral chunks to naughty boys and girls.