shopping holidays

The Shopping Holidays We Wish You Could Celebrate

When you think about it, there’s no such thing as a normal holiday. We just do weird things long enough for them to become seemingly normal traditions.

Like Christmas: Why do we chop down fir trees and cover them in lights, glass, and plastic? And Groundhog Day — what does an underground rat seeing its shadow have to do with anything?

Businesses realize this and invent their own, which is how we ended up with all those food holidays — this week alone includes National Chocolate Brownie Day, National Pastry Day, and National Cocoa Day — and all the shopping holidays.

There’s Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Super Saturday, Cyber Monday, Free Shipping Day. And now there’s something called Green Monday, according to deals site FatWallet.

“Green Monday was a term coined by eBay pre-Cyber Monday for the biggest online shopping day in December,” says Brent Shelton,  FatWallet’s online shopping expert. “Although it’s a loose term to consumers, big retailers are starting to use the term more, as Walmart and Amazon have Green Monday campaigns.”

MarketWatch calls it “the poor man’s Cyber Monday.” We call it another unnecessary celebration of going into debt for the latest electronics. If we’re just going to make up shopping holidays, here are some we would like to see become a thing…

breakfast club

Mary Jane Monday

In the states where it’s legal, all bowls, bongs, pipes, one-hitters, steamrollers, chillums, and your favorite strand of Sour Diesel are 42.0 percent off. Or $4.20 off. That’ll come in handy if your weed habit gets you thrown in detention.

tequila

Tequila Tuesday

Replacing the popular-but-overrated “Taco Tuesdays,” Tequila Tuesdays will give everyone a discount on what they really want — shots.

It’s already a popular hashtag on Twitter. Businesses, take note! Potential profits await!

stephen colbert petting a watermelon

Watermelon Wednesday

Now there’s a fruit that doesn’t see enough discounts. Can we get some two-for-one deals going on here? Looking at you, Whole Foods.

tumblr_inline_mfeweakjk31qkggux

Freaky Friday

Kinky people already have National Masturbation Day and Sex Toy Day, but there’s not enough sexy savings going on. Get your freak on with half-off discounts on handcuffs, nipple clamps, dildos, and any other sex toys your twisted heart desires.

dodgeball

Skinny Saturday

Jenny Craig meals. Diet pills. Laxatives. Gym memberships. Hot yoga classes. The weight-loss industry that thrives off Americans’ insecurities could do even better if they had a national sale day!

National ________ Day

Which made-up day would you like to see become a national holiday? Tell us in the comments below!

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